Edit again: Featured content?!?! Wow. This is amazing.
Edit: 1500 eProps?! Wow. Thanks to everyone who linked to this post, and thank you for your nice comments. Mat and I had no idea this would generate so much traffic. I'm glad you guys enjoyed reading through it.
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First, a very big thank you to Mat Kishimoto for ALL illustrations.
Disclaimer: I do not know what I’m talking about; I just act like I do. Do not hold me responsible if you follow my “advice” and then your life sucks.
Disclaimer 2: This is written for guys about girls. I decided not to write for girls about girls because it would be clear that I do not know anything about girls. But I write to guys hoping they don’t know anything either. Also, my targeted audience is Christian guys. We seem to know even less about girls than the rest of the world.
Disclaimer 3: As of January 27, 2007, I do not have a crush on any of my friends that are girls. If you are a girl and a friend of mine, do not think that I’m going to make a move on you. If I choose to make a move, you’ll know.
Dilemma:
You are friends with a girl and now you want to be more than just friends.
WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE THINKING OF DOING IS RISKY AND CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS. THE LONGER YOU’VE KNOWN THIS GIRL, THE RISKIER IT GETS.
DO NOT DO IT.
IT IS A BAD IDEA.
But if you must, you might as well do it right…
Step 1: Understanding
Be prepared for failure. Understand that she sees you as a friend and probably will not want to be more than just friends. Do not allow yourself to become so infatuated that if you are rejected, you will become depressed. Rejection happens.
On the other hand, prepare for success. If things go well, you may end up in a committed relationship. If you’re not ready for a committed relationship, don’t do it. You are friends, and you have friends in common. Your paths cross frequently. If you end up together and then have a nasty break up, your friends will take sides. Then it will be awkward for everyone when you are around each other – which might be every Sunday.
Remember: all relationships will have one of two endings.
A) You stay together until death,
or B) You break up before then.
Step 2: Decision
Is the possibility of a relationship with this girl worth losing your friendship with her? If yes, go for it.
Don’t tell your friends what you plan on doing, especially friends with big mouths. Rumors will spread and she will know what you are up to. She might start acting awkward before anything happens. Don’t give her a chance to think of reasons to reject you before you even ask her out.
Step 3: The Move: Asking her out
Ask her out on a date. A few pointers:
![bait]()
Do not say, “Hey, we should hang out.” Friends hang out. If you want to be more than just friends, you can’t use the words “hang out.”- Make your intention clear. Tell her you want to go on a date. No bait ‘n’ switch. She’ll know what she’s getting herself into.
- Have a plan.
- Don’t ask, “So when’s a good time for you? And what do you want to do?” Have something in mind and suggest it to her.
- You’re her friend. You should have an idea of what she enjoys doing.
- Keep it casual. I’d say lunch or drinks is a good first date. Dinner is a little too “high-pressure.” Movies don’t allow for conversation. Don’t go anywhere extravagant. Avoid romantic places. Spending time one-on-one with you on a date is enough pressure as it is. You don’t need to make it any more awkward for her.
- But if she suggests something else, go with that.
Response Handling:
When you ask her out, she might say no, or give you one of many date-avoidance lines. I’ve heard my share of them. Some girls are so skillful at this that you don’t even realize they avoided the date until the next day. A lot of girls won’t flat out reject you. Instead, they use what I call the “delay and ditch.” In a minute I’ll try to give you some ways to handle some common responses.
But first, there’s the question of persistence. You will have to decide how persistent you will be. If she is 100% not interested, I generally recommend giving up and moving on. But if she seems to be on the fence, you can push your luck and use your charm.
Persistence often pays off. It can work for you… or it can label you creeps among all of her friends. If that happens, you can always check out eHarmony.
If she says, “What? Are you asking me out on a date?”
You can be:
- Confident: “Yes, I am.”
- Wimpy: “Yeah, I guess so.”
- Backpedaling: “Huh? What? No, that would be weird.”
If she says, “I’m really busy. Let me check my schedule.”
You can:
- Keep the ball in your court: “Well, sometimes it’s good to take a break from a busy schedule. I’ll call you later if you need to check what you’re doing.”
- Give her the ball: “Okay. Well, let me know when you’re free.” (She won’t call back.)
- Give her the creeps: “You should be busy with me.”
If she says, “I don’t really see you that way.”
You can be:
- Determined: “I didn’t think you did. But that’s not what I’m asking for. I’m just asking you to join me for lunch [or whatever it is]. I’m thinking it would be fun. If it’s not, then we don’t have to go out again.”
- Sheepish: “Okay. I was just checking.”
- Desperate: <using whiney voice> “Come on. Please?”
If she says, “Hmmm… I don’t know.”
Try:
- The Second Attempt: “You know, I’m not entirely sure either. There’s just something that compels me to ask you out. I say we give it a shot, and if it’s fun, cool. If not, then that’ll be it.”
- The Delay: “Okay, well let me know if you decide.” She probably won’t give you an answer.
- The Deaf Ear: “Awesome! So I’ll see you on Saturday.”
Special Case: Flat out rejection.
She says, “No. Sorry, I do not want to go out with you.”
- Now I don’t recommend this, but you can say,“I’m not giving up that easily.” And then, every time you see her, say something awkward about how pretty she is, and continually ask her out again and again. After a few months, she’ll cave in. I call this the “Creep-meister-strategy,” but it seems to work.
- BUT, if you don’t want to be nicknamed Creepy McHeebie, let it go and be grateful.
“That’s okay; I just had to ask. Thanks for being up-front about it.” [she says something]“So, are you going to start acting all awkward around me?” [I got that from the Office. But I think it’s a great line.]
whoever has an afro is quite heebie. glad no one has one.
Step 4: The First Date
So she agrees to go on a date. What do you do on the first date?
Remember: this is date #1. There is hardly any relational significance at this point. The goal of date #1 is not convincing her that you should be more than just friends. The goal of date #1 is having fun with each other. If she has fun, she’ll agree to date #2. Worry about the “more than just friends” stuff in the later dates.
Suggestions for Date #1
Keep it casual. Make her laugh, but don’t make fun of her. Be friendly, but don’t be just a nice guy.
You can test the waters with a little physical contact. Emphasis on little. Give her a little jab with your elbow or give a small side bump. If she hits back, laughs, or smiles, that’s a good sign. If she doesn’t, don’t keep jabbing her in hopes that she will suddenly choose to respond. Never reach for her hand or try to wrap your arm around her. This is date number one.
Pay for everything. If she insists on paying, say, “Thanks, but I really believe that for the first date, the guy should pay for everything.”
Do not talk about “being together.” Do not use the word “us.” Don’t even talk about date #2, until the very end of date #1. Don’t talk about your feelings either, you shouldn’t have any. If you think you’re in love, it’s only because you’re in love with person you think she is.
mmmmm a nice steaming plate of monkey crap.
Step 5: Evaluation
For the first several dates, after every date, evaluate and ask yourself, “are we right for each other?” Even if you like her, sometimes there will be clear signs that it just won't work out. Stop the pursuit now while it's still easy. You may be able to return to being just friends.
So how do you know if you should quit the pursuit?
Red Flag #1: No chemistry.
I don't care if you've had a crush on this girl for past 3 years. If there's no chemistry when the two of you hang out alone, you WILL become bored of each other. Even if you stay together, your relationship will become one of habit.
Signs that your conversations lack "chemistry"
- after a long pause, you end up talking about the weather
- long periods of silence followed by nervous laughter
- while you're telling her a story, she begins to check her fingernails
- you force yourself to repeat her words in your head in order to stay focused on the conversation
- while she's talking, you start to laugh but instead of laughing with you, she asks "what's so funny?" (This one is a killer.)
Your date should end with both of you happy and looking forward to the next time you see each other.
Red Flag #2: She wants to change you. Or you want to change her.
You cannot change people. God made her a certain way and that is how she will be. If there are things about her that you want to change, down the road, the only thing that will change is the way you feel about her.
The converse applies too. If she makes any hints that she wants you to be different, run away. If she wants to change you, she will only get frustrated and you will become sick of her nagging.
The evaluation step is actually pretty important. Don’t let the rush and excitement of a potential relationship get the better of you. Now is the time to listen to your head and not your heart. If there are clear signs that you should stop pursuing her, stop pursuing her. It’s better this way.
Step 6: More Dates: The Awkward phase
On the other hand, if your brain says everything is okay, then go for another date.
You are now entering the awkward phase. You aren’t officially together, but you’re going out on dates. You want to make sure that she's right for you before you commit, but you also want to make sure you can become more than just friends.
[If it hasn’t been obvious that I know nothing, it will be obvious here. I was making stuff up before, but now, I’m really pulling things out of my butt. But here I go anyway…]
This awkward phase is the critical time to make the leap from “just friends” to “more than just friends.”
this looks familiar. shall we write "sin" in the middle empty void?
If you don’t want to be just friends, the girl must feel attraction. If she doesn’t, you will remain a friend. You can be a perfectly nice, good guy who would make a great husband, but if she is not attracted to you… Sorry.
So what is the secret behind attraction?
That’s the tough part. Attraction is not a cut/dry thing. A lot of girls can’t even explain what makes a guy attractive. It’s almost like a gut feeling. (For guys, on the other hand, it’s generally pretty easy – a good looking girl is attractive.)
Don’t ask me what girls find attractive. Instead, let’s look at some Disney princesses (or lioness), their love interests, and how the attraction formed.
Ariel was in love with Prince Eric. My guess is that she liked him because he was good looking and he offered what she could never find in the sea – the discovery of something new. Prince Eric really didn’t have to work hard to win Ariel’s love. He even forgot who she was and was almost going to marry someone else, and Ariel still loved him!
Conclusion: This tells me that if you’re good looking and can offer a new lifestyle (maybe with money), you are set.
Belle wanted “adventure in the great wide somewhere” and someone to understand, that she wants so much more than he’s got planned. Gaston was good looking and confident (okay, more like arrogant), which are generally good qualities, but he wanted to restrain the dream that lived inside of Belle. No good. Instead Belle fell in love with an impatient, hot-tempered hairy beast. The turning point was when he risked his life to save her from wolves. He generously gave her a library, and she thought he was cute when he tried to feed the birds.
Conclusion: I think girls want to share an adventure with someone. They like to see that a guy is willing to sacrifice of himself for her sake.
[On a side note, I think Belle’s love was also fueled by the idea of rescuing the beast and changing him. I’m not a fan of that.]
Nala and Simba grew up as friends. So how did Simba go from friends to more? Let’s see. Well, Simba was not afraid to play “flirting” games. He pulled Nala into the pond with him, he wrestled her, and she ended up kissing (or licking) him on the cheek. I guess he just played the “physical contact” cards. When she realized he’s a lazy sack of mediocrity, she backed off. But then he woke up, became king and won her heart back.
Conclusion: So I guess a little bit of flirting or physical contact can work for you. WARNING: If the girl ever mentions that she likes Josh Harris, this will work against you.
Never mind. Disney movies are bad examples for trying to win a girl’s heart.
My three guesses for what girls find attractive are confidence, adventure and humor.
looking for the perfect man? look no further.
My guesses for what girls generally do not like:
- Arrogance
- Low self esteem
- Bitterness or pessimism
- No sense of humor
- Guys who are boring
- Poor hygiene
- Desperation
For the awkward phase, just have fun. Go on more dates, and repeat step 5. If you’re both still having fun, I’d say you’re in good shape.
Try to find out if you have compatible interests and goals. You don’t need to talk about marriage and kids, but see if you can support each other in your passions.
Avoid conversations about how you feel about each other. Guard your heart and guard hers. The last thing you want is on date #3, you’re thinking “mmm… not sure if this is going to work out” and she says, “I am so in love with you!” Eeek. You want her to feel attraction, not intense burning passion.
exactly what NOT to do.
Step 7: Make it official
After you've gone on a few dates and everything seems okay and compatible, ask her to be your girlfriend. Her answer should be yes. Once she says yes, then let everyone know you are officially together.
Go ahead, change your status on Facebook and MySpace.
Congratulations you have a girlfriend. And now the real work begins.
And for your convenience, I created this handy dandy flow chart. Carry it in your back pocket and pull it out if you need to know what your next move is. (I get to claim credit for this one. This is the ONLY thing Mat did not draw.)
The Relationship Flow Chart
random lookalike for miles' day!
miles and hammy from over the hedge
